Gratitude for life’s second chances

I am thrilled to welcome you to my world and so excited about this journey we are about to embark on together. 

Opening up your heart and sharing your innermost feelings and most intimate affairs with the world is not an easy task, hence the very prolonged, elephantine, gestation period of this blog. The idea started rather ambitiously as a book after my cancer battle over a decade ago but slowly it has morphed into a blog over the past couple of years, which I am hoping would be more easily digestible and accessible to people than a book.  

It is rather unfortunate that it took yet another unexpected death of a friend to bring a sense of urgency to this project, but there must be a reason for that. Nothing is by coincidence, nothing at all.

It is all part of the Divine Plan for us that will unfold in due time, which I believe we had great input into mapping and co-authoring in the other realm before we decided to take on yet another role in another life. A new voyage of self-discovery, awareness, growth and expansion as we progress on our spiritual path until we reach maturity and merge with the Supreme Energy, Source, God, Universe, whatever you call it.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “Though we know him by a thousand names, he is one and the same to us all.” Though I would add to this, it is he, she and it. It is beyond any gender or identity that our limited physical minds can comprehend or appreciate.  

This post is offered with deep gratitude and much love to the dearly departed Nahla, Sam, Tina, Jwian and the many extraordinary women who lived ordinary lives by the standards of this world, but they were beyond extraordinary. Warriors who graced our Earth with their magnificent presence for a short yet memorable time. Those women who may not get a mention in history books or be hailed as heroes in the world’s biggest forums, yet their memories will be imprinted in our minds and etched in the souls of those who crossed their paths, who were blessed to know them. Those who were uplifted and inspired by their presence, exuberance, strength, compassion, kindness, love of life, generosity of heart and their pure humanity. 

As I say goodbye yet to another friend and sob quietly to myself, I can’t help but think how generous and kind life has been to me. For you, friend, the silent messenger came without warning and stole your life instantaneously with no mercy or shame, no decency to even give you a chance to say goodbye to your loved ones. 

For me, it knocked on my door gently and left, sparing my life yet again! 

How ironic to think that a vicious illness like cancer with all its mighty brutality and fierceness can be more merciful than a heart attack. At least it warns you of your upcoming demise and gives you the opportunity to contemplate and say goodbye to your loved ones, or even a second chance in life just like it graciously did for me. 

It is somewhat satiric when you look back at your life and think, after all, as imperfect as it was, life was not as ruthless and cruel to me as to others. What is it about this life that makes us so haunted by its beauty and mystery even when it keeps kicking us in the gut repeatedly?

As I weep silently, memories of the past rush flooding in my head, some seem so hazy, barely legible, clouded with life’s frivolities, as if flashbacks from a previous life, not this one. Some so fresh and vivid I could taste their chilling rawness, agonizing pain, comforting warmth or exhilarating thrill in all of my senses as if transpiring now in this very moment.

In a faint past life memory, I am standing on a platform in a railway station in Sydney’s CBD on a cold wintery night, after another dreadful day at work waiting for the late-night train to take me back home to my family, my two precious children. Mentally worn-out, physically exhausted, emotionally jaded and energetically depleted, I resembled a dead figure walking. My excruciatingly painful existence was a huge burden on my soul who wanted to break free from this unbearable pain and suffering. Life was punching me ferociously, I could barely take a breath in between the punches. 

A new immigrant in her mid-thirties trying to start a new life with her young family and untangle the intricacies of a new system, adapt to a new language and culture and resurrect her career in her newly adoptive country. Exploited to the max in a highly stressful work environment, bullied and paid barely enough to survive, yet pushing on to prove I can do it and I am worth the chance I was given. 

At home, coping with the never-ending responsibilities of two young children and a distant husband who I could barely relate to and who evidently had his own demons to battle, let alone my own deep-rooted inadequacies, corrosive insecurities, intense fears and the unforgettable traumas and wounds of my past, all drove me insane. 

Standing on the edge of the platform, my head was spinning. Utter desperation, disillusioned mind, vicious thoughts racing through my head and terrifyingly anxious feelings waging wars inside. Relentless, constant chatter. It was all so clear, just do it now! 

The left foot lifted up in the air, and my body eager to follow, to fly free. You see when the loud voices get too intense in your head, it is easy to give up and obey their command, especially when the promises are too good to pass by. Freedom at last! 

It all happened in a split second. The train is approaching with its deafening sound piercing my ears, exacerbating the chaos and muddled voices in my head. It is time, just do it now! As my other foot prepares to set off, the world goes blurry. Without any warning, two gentle, warm hands reach out and grab my shoulders and pull me back away from the edge. 

Bewildered and disoriented, I sit on a nearby bench, trying to make sense of what just happened. No one around me. A few people chatting in the distance carelessly, oblivious to what had just transpired on the other side of the platform. No trace of my rescuers except for a soft, reassuring invisible touch fading away in my memory. I bury my face in my hands and sob discreetly.    

As the voices in my head become clearer, they get harsher and sterner. What the hell are you doing? Who do you think will raise your children? Are you really leaving them to grow without you? How selfish and cowardly of you?

As these voices gradually recede and my tears slowly dry up, a gentle soothing voice tries to break through, whispering lovingly and tenderly: you are not alone, my precious child, look inside deep within, you will find me. I am with you, always was and always will be till eternity. 

As I gather my scattered thoughts and catch my breath, gazing around in search of my saviour, it becomes apparent to me that the two invisible hands were indeed those of my angels who reached out from above to save me, yet again. It was not the first or the last time that my angels and spirit guides would reach out to pull me out of a sticky situation like this. Thanks to them and their constant interventions, I am still alive and thriving today. 

Battling depression and anxiety can be bone-crushingly isolating and terribly alienating, but you have to remember you are not alone. You never were and never will be. Take it from me, someone who has been there countless times. 

Every time life delivered a blow, I withdrew and went back to that deep hollow place where intense feelings of sadness, hopelessness, anger, guilt, restlessness and fear would resurface and take hold of me. Sheer numbness in my whole being and vast, indescribable emptiness. Inescapable darkness that gripped me firmly with its tentacles, triggered by my childhood wounds and traumas of wars and abuse, coupled with my own inadequacies, insecurities and fear of never measuring up. 

What I learnt over the years though is that we are our harshest critics, and comparing ourselves to others deprives us of knowing our real selves, our true beautiful selves, and letting them shine. 

We may be broken, scarred, wounded and imperfect, but we are perfect in our imperfection and deeply loved despite our brokenness and imperfection.

When the forces of evil strike and take over your mind, remember to stand tall and remind yourself of your uniqueness and worthiness. You only need to be strong enough to tone these rowdy voices down so you can hear the sweet whispers of your heart and experience the delicious peace and stillness within your soul.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, tap deep into the inner depths of your soul for courage and wisdom and see the beauty within and out, in every little thing. Come back to the present moment and witness the miracle that is called life unfold.      

We are not who we think we are. We are not the physical bodies we inhabit or the minds we possess, but much more and greater.

We are greatness manifested. Pure unconditional love! 

Every time our vision is clouded by a bleak or tragic event, we need to keep the eyes of our hearts wide open to see the light within and be guided by our inner voice. Our intuition and instincts are our biggest assets, not our bank accounts or possessions. For these can all disappear in a second and what remains is us, you and me, the true us which resides deep within, the eternal us!